SUMMARY
Peace and Freedom are My Names is an intensely personal account of my descent into madness, and eventual emergence into a place of calm contentment.
BACK COVER
Peace and Freedom are My Names is one woman’s story of incredible perseverance through a lifetime of abuse that began as an unwanted child, and led to a descent into madness from which it seemed she would never return. A key to her eventual healing was recovering from complex post traumatic stress disorder – multiple personality disorder. Through it all she clung to an unrelenting belief that God’s hand was upon her, and that somehow He would bring her through.
‘Once again it was as though an H-bomb had blasted me apart, smashing to pieces the wall I had so carefully built around me. In one frightening moment I was again left exposed and vulnerable, acutely aware that I could no longer pretend to be the person I thought I should be. I had to learn, once and for all to become the person I was meant to be, the person God had always intended me to be.’
‘RIVETING READING. Peace and Freedom are My Names alerts people to the profound effect of interventions which society approves of for those grappling with major emotional difficulties. I hope that psychiatric training institutions will take the book’s positive and negative messages on board.’
Anne Atkinson, Social Worker
‘I LIKED THE book very much. It is well written, never flags, never lectures us, never bores us. The lessons are powerful and insightful, but you want people to read it because it’s a good book. It is a good book. Congratulations.’
Robert Bland, Chair of Mental Health, University of Queensland.
AS A COUNSELLOR and through my work in radio I have listened to the stories of hundreds of people. Irene’s story encourages and reminds me that with appropriate support and care, combined with God’s love and grace, we can reach our potential and live life to the full.
Peter Janetzki, Counsellor/Educator; Host of Talking Life on Brisbane’s 96five (Family Radio), and Choices TV
CONTENTS
Dedication
Foreword
Preface
1 Hidden Valley
2 Fannie Bay
3 ‘Write the Vision!’
4 The Shell Cracks
5 Shadow of Death
6 Defining Moments
7 ‘Shape Up or Ship Out!’
8 All Hell Breaks Loose
9 Back to Basics
10 R-Rated Memories
11 Fighting for My Life
12 A Multiple Mess
13 Back on Track
14 The Hell of Healing
15 Moving On
16 Going Home
17 Closing Thoughts
Appreciation
FOREWORD
I WAS IN Bunnings Warehouse with my Father-in-law shopping for bits and pieces, assisting him with some home maintenance during my Christmas holidays, when my mobile phone rang. Looking onto the display, I saw it was Irene. Knowing the importance of taking her call I excused myself and found an out of the way spot where I could talk. ‘Peter, I’m crap!’ Irene’s tone echoed despair, hopelessness and frustration. ‘I’m crap! So why shouldn’t I be flushed down the toilet? A useless, worthless piece of crap! I should just end it and get rid of myself!’
For thirty minutes I listened to the desperate cry of a wounded soul. A soul that was often misunderstood. A soul that was often manipulated exploited and abused, a soul that was labelled crazy or demonized. A soul that persistently sought healing!
Many years have passed since that phone call in Bunnings and it has been my joy and delight to witness Irene’s journey into peace and freedom. Irene’s journey starts as a young child in an unloving, dysfunctional and abusive family in Darwin; a family that inflicted numerous wounds resulting in what is commonly known as multiple personality disorder and clinically as dissociative identity disorder. It finishes with her reclaiming her life and living in fullness. In the chapters in between you will discover that Irene is a woman of courage, resilience, endurance and most of all a woman of faith and hope.
I join with Irene in constantly being amazed at what God has done in her life. The healing that she has sought and experienced is a testimony to God’s love, mercy and grace.
As a counsellor and through my work in radio I have listened to the stories of hundreds of people. Irene’s story encourages and reminds me that with appropriate support and care, combined with God’s love and grace, we can reach our potential and live life to the full.
Peter Janetzki, Counsellor/Educator,
Host of Talking Life on Brisbane’s 96five (Family Radio), and Choices TV
PREFACE:
I HAVE THOUGHT long and hard about writing my story, Peace and Freedom are My Names, a process I began many years ago. It is an intensely personal story, sharing with readers something of my descent into madness and my eventual emergence into a place of calm contentment.
My story began as an unwanted child living on a banana plantation on the outskirts of Darwin in the Northern Territory. Mine was not a happy childhood by any means, and I was ill prepared to take on the tasks of young adulthood or make an appropriate choice of a life partner. I married far too early and together with my husband moved to Papua New Guinea where I struggled as a young mother in a foreign land, alone and scared. It was in Mt Hagen that the first hint that I had a serious mental health issue emerged, and we had to move back to Australia. In time my distress would take over my life, just one of the destructive consequences of what I eventually realised had been a very abusive childhood.
Running parallel with my inner turmoil was my ability to maintain some semblance of normality, to be a good wife and a good mother – though I never felt good enough in either role. I was actively involved in my church and in time completed my Bachelor of Arts with majors in journalism and studies in religion. Several years later, while I was studying social work, my inner world collapsed and chaos reigned. I was eventually diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, now known as dissociative identity disorder and sometimes as complex post traumatic stress disorder. At that time my marriage collapsed, further unimaginable tragedy shattered our family, and I entered into unbearable turmoil from which I believed I would never emerge.
Along the way, I received outstanding care from mental health professionals – psychiatrists and nurses in particular. I remember so many with deep appreciation for their kindness and expertise in working with me to achieve my goal of personal integration. Regrettably, there were also those in mental health services who contributed to my trauma and caused further anguish that was completely unwarranted. I trust that my story will help educate those who, out of their ignorance, cause those in their care added distress.
My faith in God has been my greatest support throughout my journey. Time and again, I clung to that faith knowing that without God I would never get through. I learned so much over those long, lonely years about God’s love, care, concern and compassion, lessons I could never have learnt had life been sweet and rosy. Sadly, I realised early on in my difficulties that the Church was ill equipped to care for people struggling with the damaging consequences of child abuse, or with mental health issues. When my world disintegrated, I walked away from church for many years, only recently returning to take my place in a caring community that does want to make a difference in our hurting world.
A psychiatrist once told me that changing the cycle of abuse from one generation to another is like trying to change the course of a river; it takes courage and a lot of energy to do so. I am thankful to God that I had the courage to break the cycle of abuse and ensured that my children had a good childhood and heaps of happy memories. Like every other mother, I was not perfect, but I loved my children and I did my best. However, I know that each one of them has been affected by my protracted ordeal and for that, I am deeply saddened. They are all special people – I love them dearly and have appreciated the support they have been able to give me.
It is my prayer that Peace and Freedom are My Names will be a source of hope and inspiration for all who read it – for those dealing with the consequences of child abuse, family and friends supporting them, and those working with them to overcome their many challenges.
Irene Frances
Brisbane, Queensland
